my sudden awareness~

so far, i still cant accept the way the teachers here teach. i dunno wether its because of the language barrier or because the teachers simply dunno how to teach or because i'm just not used to being left alone, figuring out the topics ourselves without any extra notes given by teachers n stuffs. around here, they expect you to be able to figure it out urself with less guidance. now i understand the saying. 'if u study without a teacher, u'll get lost'.. its true. often, i try asking fellow friends but some are just the same level as me, some are expecting to learn from me and some just kept explaining but the stuff's is still un-understandable...
i regret leaving all my mtrx notes in malaysia. before coming here, i was packing all my books scattered around the house and compiled it in a box. my granny who was coincidentally at my house at that tyme was asking stuffs like..
"u wanna bring all this to russia?"
"there is so much of books here, so heavy.. will u even be able to carry?" stuffs like dat.
i never thought of bringing it here. i actually juz wanted to keep my stuffs in my rum so no one will accidentally throw it away or wat. so, i neglected the stuff she said.. i keep saying no. i wouldnt bring it here. why should i? ....... now, regrets. full of regrets.
i complained to my mum and dad. saying how much i miss my notes. my father had no response. he juz said "learn from your brother".. meanwhile my mum actually asked wether i wanted it posted. i was thinking how lovely if that happens but, i refused. i dun wan to waste anymore money. juz, use my brain. my little brain. try and remember all this stuff. i learned this before. i should be able to excel. y cant i juz remember?? i'll try to work hard. a little harder, much harder, to make my parents proud n for my own pride.
little by little, with the help of people around and all the books they lend me.. i will.. strive for excellence.. i will not settle for pass, nor would i settle for good. wat i want is excellence~ dat is, my one desire, my aim, my resolution of 2009!!